Superb Blurb: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir) by Jenny Lawson

In addition to taking a drink every time she says, “I suspect,” you may also consider taking a breath every time she makes you laugh your left lung out. You’ve been warned.

[Jenny calls her husband to report that sadly, she had to bury her dog and now vultures are trying to get at him. The dog, not the husband.]

Then Victor realized that I must be using his hands-free headset, and he got all kinds of pissed off that I was “getting it sweaty.” And that’s when I hung up on him. Because getting a headset sweaty was kind of small potatoes compared to the fact that I was brandishing a machete at large raptors, while considering the pros and cons of hiring a pimp to dig up our dead dog. Victor kept yelling at me though since technically I didn’t actually know how to hang up a hands-free headset, but I explained that he was wasting his breath, because I’d already hung up the phone in my mind and wasn’t listening anymore. Then he got really shouty, so I started singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to drown him out and that’s when my neighbor showed up again.

She seemed more concerned this time, possibly because I was belting out Bonnie Tyler and crying while swinging around a machete over a partially disturbed grave. Or possibly it was because she was thinking, “You’re totally getting that headset all sweaty.” People are weird, and it’s hard to guess what’s going through their heads.

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