According to me, only men like the following authors:

Kurt Vonnegut
Thomas Pynchon
Saul Bellow
John Updike
Don DeLillo

I have written it, therefore it must be true.

I have made attempts to read Bellow’s Herzog, repeatedly, because Martin Amis told me to, and it was boredom marinated in misogyny. DeLillo’s White Noise was boredom marinated in boredom with a dash of “I should like this, I should like this, why can’t I make myself like this?” plus a sprinkling of “‘The Airborne Toxic Event’ is a really great phrase; is it enough to have made the book worth reading?” (answer: probably) all wrapped up in a pile of legwarmers and other dated clothing. It may have also been misogynist, but I was too bored to tell. The misogyny is not the problem.  Milan Kundera, for example, has always seemed to me to be quite the misogynist and his books are great. Which is incredibly annoying.

The sick and twisted,  but curious, parts of my personality (at 4 percent, a minority group, but a surprisingly aggressive and motivated one, like Orthodox Jews or crows) wants to read books by all these authors so I can know for sure just how stupid it is to read them. These are the same parts, incidentally, that used to compel me to read only the one-star reviews of books I loved on Sample review of Kavalier & Clay: “I think that it is written for those with a jewish backround. I just didn’t understand all his judaic references. (Would someone please tell me what a Golem is?)” Ha! Somebody didn’t watch season 4 of The X-Files. Okay, I still indulge in that agita-inducing behavior from time to time. Also, I will throw a bucket of water over your head if you wear pants in my neighborhood. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then youlike the above reviewerhaven’t spent nearly enough time in Jerusalem. Or around crows.

In conclusion, a golem is a mud-based creature from Jewish folklore, and I am a scale-based creature from Japanese pop culture who should perhaps take a time-out from terrorizing civilians in order to read Slaughterhouse-Five. And on that day, I will become a man.


7 responses to “Bibliandry

  1. i’d add philip roth to that collection. i recall enjoying pynchon’s ‘the crying of lot 49’ but more b/c it had clues and cryptic passages to decipher rather than the actual writing. had to read vonnegut and updike in high school and don’t recall ever picking anything else up from the ever again.

    re: “one-star reviews of books I loved …” same here. *hangs head in shame* don’t hate us because we love to hate!

  2. Ooh but I like Philip Roth. The Ghost Writer is so good.

    Your description of The Crying of Lot 49 makes it sound intriguing… Plus, it’s short, so maybe I will read that one. Did you know that Pynchon was on the Simpsons?

  3. p.s. French people love Philip Roth. And Paul Auster. No idea why.

  4. trust you to be so contrary. like ‘nocan the contrarian’ who was featured on a recent episode of ‘word girl’…

    i did know pynchon was on the simpsons but not that he’d been on twice! nice.

  5. there are definitely female vonnegut fans. i know a few fanatical ones.

    or knew them. his popularity seems to fall off once the reader crosses age 30 or so. that’s what happened to me. i recently reread “breakfast of champions”, a book i adored in college. now i have no idea why i loved it so much

  6. welcome back to unblockistan! yeah, i’m worried about lending gj ‘crying of lot 49’ b/c i’m sure some of the cleverness i found in reading it in college has worn thin. i’ll have to re-read it and then decide.

  7. my stay in unblockistan was cut short. i’m сommenting on this post via

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