Tuesday night was the two-hour season finale of Big Brother 11 (leave me alone, I’m fascinated).
This was a hotly anticipated event in the Gojira household. Unfortunately, the Gojira household is still working late hours editing books about carbon-dioxide-emitting vaginas and was not able to catch it. Therefore I spent Wednesday in a state of Internet lockdown (difficult when you use the Internet for work every three to five seconds), avoiding potentially dangerous websites, averting my eyes every time I checked my email (Yahoo likes to drop in bits of “news” even on the email page), and blocking my ears at the slightest hint of anything resembling water-cooler talk (unnecessary given that none of my coworkers are as base as I am).
This meant I couldn’t find out the results of yesterday’s primary election results in which I had hoped to cast the decisive vote against Alan Gerson for his role in enabling Mayor Malevolent Billionaire’s quest to get down with his despotic self.
So after this carefully orchestrated 24-hour period of Internet semi-abstinence, I went and did THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I mean, really. Even while I was doing it, I was thinking to myself, “Self, this is about to be THE DUMBEST THING EVER.” And it was.
I came home, all giddy with anticipation, but no! The finale was not yet on Netflix (you usually have to wait about 24 hours after live broadcast to watch it on Netflix). WHERE WAS IT? WHEN WAS NETFLIX GOING TO STREAM IT?! The agita looked set to engulf me. I needed to know and I needed to know now.
Internet, I googled.
I googled. I shielded my eyes while looking at the results, but no amount of shielding can protect you from the words (**SPOILER ALERT**):
North Carolina waitress wins $500,000 grand prize on CBS reality TV show.
Gahhhhhh! $@%#^*%*!! And also—fuck!
Okay, so now that I’ve ruined my life and any chance at happiness, can someone please tell me when Netflix is gonna stream the damn thing?
P.S. There is a bright side to all this: We did it! Sayonara, Alan Gerson, I told you not to let him do it. Malevolent Billionaire (yes, I know it’s a redundant expression), New Yorkers are taking you down next. Gojira cannot be stopped! (Except by nuclear weapons, which your billions can buy. Oops. Would you like a candy bar? Let’s be friends.)