Ah, old, crusty, musty money. It confers so many advantages on its possessors, doesn’t it? Besides all the obvious benefits—blah blah, diamonds, blah blah, penthouse apartments, blah blah, Ponzi schemes?—it also grants the haves permission to prance around with ridiculous names that, if bestowed on any have-not, would immediately have him or her labeled “trashy” or “ghetto.” Peruse this list and see if you can tell who’s the “socialite” and who’s the “trash.” (Don’t get Tripp’d up!)
Muffie Potter Aston — likes: giving her children reindeer names. “On, Bracie! On, Ashleigh!”
Tinsley and Topper Mortimer — likes: gratuitous appearances on Japanese billboards through sole virtue of being blonde (her), Japanese billboards (him)
Brittanya O’Campo — likes: her boobs?
Bambi de la Gueronniere — likes: facial reconstruction (of the poor, darling, of the poor)
Celerie Kemble — likes: expanding her definition of style from “WASP chic” to “WASP shabby chic”
Topsy Taylor — likes: ice cream with big chunks of chocolate, helicopters
Tanjareen Martin — likes: that her name means “bringer of energy, health, joy & light” (in what fruit basket?), having a kickin’ website
Tripp Palin — likes: David Letterman, condoms
Saxby Chambliss — likes: visiting mosques, serving in Vietnam. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s Max Cleland.
Countess Vaughn — likes: butt implants
Chappy Morris — likes: what Countess Vaughn said
L’Wren Scott — likes: towering over desiccated rock stars (who doesn’t?)
Narine — dislikes: beds, baths, beyond (one assumes)
So next time you see Muffie Potter Aston, make sure you tell her she’s ghetto, Hamptons manse or no. And tell Narine, the cashier at Bed, Bath & Beyond, there’s a spot on the board of MoMA with her name—which she doesn’t know means “nostril” in French—on it.