Conversations With My Exterminator

“You have a nice smile. You have nice hair. What is that called? What color is that?”
“Brown.”
“Oh, that’s brown?”

“You like food? You like to eat?”
“Yes.”
“See?! We should go out sometime. You like steak?”
“Yes.”
“I love steak! You like seafood?”
“Yes.”
“See?! We have so much in common. We could go to dinner and eat steak and seafood.”
“No.”

“We could go shoot some pool.”
“I don’t play pool.”
“We could go bowling.”
“I don’t bowl.”
“What do you like to do?”
“Nothing.”

“My weight hasn’t fluctuated in 15 years. Does your weight fluctuate?”

“I’ve never killed any cats. Couple squirrels.”

“Do you always keep all your stuff in the bathtub or did you know that’s what you were supposed to do?”

“Are you dating a married man? You are, aren’t you! You know, men lead double lives.”

“I’ve been coming here for years. I’m not a serial killer.”

“I don’t recycle. You know that doesn’t do anything, right?”

“Did I ask you out last time?”
“Yes.”
“I’m persistent.”
“I see that.”

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5 responses to “Conversations With My Exterminator

  1. classic. one exchange in particular should serve as the entry for your dictionary definition.

    gojira: gō jee raa; ゴジラ
    noun (plural go.ji.ri)
    definition: a terrifying or awesome being with amazing superpowers including but not limited to precise grammar, arcane trivia, and cheese inhalation.

    “What do you like to do?”
    “Nothing.”

    [Early 18th century. < Japanese goji, "dunderheadedness" + ra, "cantankerousness"]

  2. i need to know how to know whether gojira or baji has penned each post, so i can customize my comments accordingly!

    also, this post was freakin’ HILARIOUS.

    also, he’s been coming over for years!? how often do you need an exterminator!? =/

  3. Baji, I love my dictionary def. I will strive to be catankerously dunderheaded, and occasionally dunderheadedly cantankerous, as much as possible.

    Yasmine, no, we shall keep you in the dark. In the dark, I say! (Baji, we should have a contest; the person who guesses the most accurately which posts are by whom wins their very own bottle of apple cider vinegar.)

    And I need an exterminator every day of my life because the guy upstairs is blind and didn’t realize for three years that he had bedbugs. (But actually, he was referring to coming to the building for years; I’ve only had the pleasure of being relentlessly hit on by him–in my own bedroom no less–for the past year or so.)

  4. agreed. request DENIED!

    which, by the way, is something you should work into your next conversation with your exterminator …

    “so, do you want to go out with me sometime?”
    “no, request DENIED!”

  5. who says you cant meet people in nyc?

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